I am sorry. It is not that I did not trust you. It is not that I did not love you, or that I wanted to keep a secret. On the contrary, I did not want you to bear this secret and so many other reasons. This is my letter to you- explaining why I never told you that I was raped.
Right after it happened, I was in shock. I was scared and violated. I needed to process, by myself. I am no stranger to wanting to do things for myself and I know that is one thing you love about me. By the time I had decided not to tell you, I no longer needed to process what happened. I knew exactly what happened. I knew I was raped and that I did nothing to deserve that. My rapist, who happened to be a man, had already taken so much from me. He took my safety, my body, he jeopardized my health and my mental stability. I was not about to give him any other parts of me.
You are the most coveted part of my heart. You are my future, the father of my children, and the love of my life. Which to other people might all be reasons to tell you, but not me. I am positive you would have handled the information the best that you could and would have tried to be nothing except supportive. That is why I love you so much. However, I am constantly so supported by you that I felt confident in dealing with this without you.
He was not going to complicate our relationship for any amount of time. He was not going to hurt you. My trauma would end up as a scar on your heart and he is not allowed to touch your heart. I never owed him any piece of my body but that was not a decision I was allowed to make. This, however, is my very personal decision. I do not owe him any more of who I am.
A part of me thinks I was saving you from the heartache, confusion, and hours working through this in our relationship. But at the core, this was about me. I am sorry if that was selfish and you may never agree with my decision. This was something I had power over. It was an easier way for me to move forward.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally so that I knew no matter what my decision would be that we would be able to work through it. Thank you for being someone who could never fathom raping someone or ever interacting sexually without consent. I am sorry that not everyone is as stand up as you are. Thank you for unknowingly allowing me to handle my assault the way that was best for me.